If there is one lesson I have learned in my four marriages it is that no one is a mind reader.  I had a husband who thought I should be a mind reader, and would regularly get angry with me when I didn’t understand what he needed without asking him. I will also admit that I have frequently been guilty of the same thing, expecting my partner to be able to know what I needed without me telling them. That simply does not work and is a recipe for disaster. I also have to say that how you ask for what you need is as important as the act of asking.  I practiced this recently and found the result to be amazing. 

During the pandemic, my husband and I got very accustomed to being together.  It brought us closer and improved our relationship.  Now that the world is returning to normal, we both have to travel more for our jobs than we did during the Covid era.  When we are apart, we try to keep in touch through texts and daily phone calls.  This is more important to me than it is to him, but over time he has grown to appreciate at least a morning and evening call, and he tolerates more frequent communication as needed. 

When I am the one traveling, the daily communication rate is higher, as I have more of a need for “keeping in touch” than he does.  It is part of my extroverted personality, and frankly, is part of my love language. His love language is tolerating my need to communicate!

When he travels, I sometimes find myself wanting more communication from him.  On one of his first overseas trips after Covid, which was a particularly busy week of global, high level strategy meetings, he wasn’t particularly communicative during his day, and I would start to get anxious toward the end of his day, thinking he was ignoring me or that he would forget to call or text.  This is ridiculous, but it is my inner child’s insecurity manifesting, so I try my best to just deal with it, and not impose my own baggage on him.  However, I did find myself being a bit annoyed, and I would text him to try to prompt a response, getting more annoyed when he didn’t answer.  I didn’t necessarily express my annoyance to him, but I felt it, and it was not a fun or comfortable feeling. 

The next time he had to take a trip (which he is on as I am writing this), I decided that I should express my needs, because how else can he meet them? Before he left, I mentioned to him, without emotion or judgment, that I sometimes feel neglected when he travels, if he doesn’t take time to communicate.   I made it clear that I wasn’t expecting a lot, but that if the meeting had a short bio-break, or on his way to lunch, that a quick text, letting me know he’s thinking of me, would mean a lot. I also acknowledged that this is MY issue, not his, but that I would appreciate his sensitivity to my feelings.  

What a difference this made! By verbalizing my needs in a non-judgemental way, and asking for something from him that I was fairly confident wouldn’t be hard for him to provide, it made him aware of how important it is to me.  On this trip (so far anyway) he has done exactly that.  I’ve gotten a couple of random texts throughout the day, which has helped me feel heard. 

Both sides of this anecdote are important. I asked him for what I needed, and he provided it, which is what a healthy relationship is about.  I also was careful to try to make what I was asking for not overly burdensome – I acknowledged the fact that he doesn’t need as much communication as I do and that I understood he had a busy week, so I expressed to him that I was trying to keep my request reasonable. From his perspective, I hope, he sensed that my need was genuine, and that this is important to me, and he also (which surprised me a bit) acknowledged that he had previously NOT been very communicative, not on purpose, but because it isn’t important to him to connect that frequently.  By understanding each other’s needs and preferences we were able to come to a place where I felt heard and supported, and I believe he did also, or he at least didn’t seem to feel that I was making an unreasonable request.