Today I listened to a podcast featuring one of my idols (who happens to be the person that inspired me to try track cycling) and her husband, telling the story of how they met, fell in love and got married. One of the comments during the podcast was about how she understood the difference between the “theater” of the wedding and the marriage itself. That got me thinking about my own experiences, as a four time married person, and the importance of that understanding.

In reflecting back on my four trips down marriage lane, I discovered a few things. I realize now that my first “marriage” was really all about the wedding. I wanted the dress, the bridesmaids, the church, the limo, the garter…all of the trappings of a traditional wedding. I bought bridal magazines. I created lists. I planned rehearsal dinners and speeches. I told my fiance he should toast me at the rehearsal dinner and then smash the glass, because I read somewhere that this was a tradition to prevent the glass from ever being used for a lesser purpose. If I had put as much thought into what I wanted the marriage to look like as I did the wedding, I might have realized that marrying this person wasn’t the right thing for me.

But alas, I did not. And I found myself divorced a few years later. Wedding number two was on a ski slope. I was just the two of us, so in some ways less about the wedding, but in some ways not. As I reflect on the pre-wedding relationship, I realize there were many red flags. But I was turning 30, my biological clock was ticking, and I thought he would be a good father. So I perservered. Despite it just being the two of us (and my local wedding planner and the officiant), I was able to bask in the glory and attention of being a bride, as we did the ceremony in full public view, then skied down the mountain with “Just Married” signs on our back. At the apres ski, people bought us drinks, then we got dressed in gown and tux and took a limo to a fancy dinner. Again, had I put a bit more thought into what marriage to this person would be like, I would have run for the hills…but then again, I wouldn’t have my daughter, and she is amazing, so I can’t really say I regret it.

Wedding number three was in our home, with a small gathering of friends. If I’m really honest, this one was about competition – the groom was an “I’m never getting married” person, and I wanted to be the one that changed his mind. I was, but unfortunately I couldn’t change who he was as a person, which, it turns out, was not a good fit. I’ll elaborate more on the lessons I learned in each of these marriages in another post. I have to say that, upon reflection, this one was also more about the wedding than the marriage. It was about being able to say I convinced him, that I won.

Wedding number four wasn’t supposed to happen. My husband was an “I’m never getting married again” person. He had been married twice before. His first marriage, much like my first, was to his college sweetheart, and they grew apart having never had children. His second marriage lasted almost 20 years and produced three wonderful children (now my step-children), but had a bitter and acrimonious ending, causing him to tell me he was never getting married again. I was ok with that at first. I tried to be ok with it always. I told myself things like, it doesn’t matter, it’s just a piece of paper. That not being married is more romantic because it means you’re choosing every day to be together. At one point we agreed that we were too old for “boyfriend / girlfriend”, so we declared ourselves engaged after he gave me a ring in the safety depost box vault in a bank (more about that in a later post), and started using fiance. But in some corner of my heart and mind, I wanted it. I want to be introduced as his wife, not his girlfriend or even fiance long term. Mostly I kept this thought to myself. I didn’t push (at least I don’t think I did…he might disagree!). I didn’t give ultimatums, and I really tried not to make a big deal about it. On one occasion he said he didn’t like me having another man’s last name, and joked with him that there was only way to fix that. A few months later we were out to dinner, enjoying a beautiful southern evening, and he asked me if being married was really important to me. I chose to be honest (not always my go-to in tough conversations) and said it was. I also said that I didn’t want it be important, I wanted to be ok just being committed to each other without being married, but I couldn’t help it, I wanted to be his wife. His reply: “Ok, we’ll get married then.” Very romantic!

There was one key difference this time from the other three – this time, if he had refused to get married, I know I would have found a way to be ok with that. I didn’t want to get married just for the wedding. It wasn’t about the dress, the ceremony, or the attention. It was truly about being his wife and sharing the rest of our lives together as husband and wife.

We also got married at home, with three of our four kids present. Although I didn’t realize it consciously at the time, this was the first time that I was getting married to have a marriage and not a wedding. The significance of that day was the commitment we made to each other, in the presence of our children, and the continuation of building a life together. We had a non-demoninational minister perform the ceremony, and got a small cake. We took some photos with our phones and my camera, and played music on our phone through a small speaker as I “walked down the aisle” – from the kitchen to the family room. The minister asked if anyone wanted to say anything after we had said our vows, and one of our sons said that he felt the vibe was just perfect. It was a wonderful, magical moment, that, in retrospect, was important to me as a milestone in a lifelong journey, not as a stand alone event.

What is my point? I realized today that if I had been more self-aware, I might have avoided a detour or two on my road to a happy marriage. If I had thought about the marriage instead of the wedding, I might have made different decisions. And now, more than 8 years into my fourth marriage, I think I can appreciate the difference. We have had some ups and downs in our 11 years together. There have been a few times we both have almost given up – but we’ve hung in there. I cherish what we’ve built, and I think the hard times have ultimately made us stronger. What we have is a partnership, based on love and respect, that started as a friendship and evolved into a marriage. The wedding was just an event.